Internet trolls are everywhere. In most cases, the best you will get from an internet troll is "fake and gay", "your mom" or something along those lines. For the more discerning, intelligent trolls amongst us this is simply not good enough; not acceptable at all. My aim is to pass on my wisdom and expertise in the subject of intelligent trolling to help cure the internet of cancer.
Why troll in the first place?
Sometimes there is a need to take someone down a peg or two because their smugness or narcissistic clap trap is just too overwhelming and has no substance to back it up. Sometimes there are folks (not unlike myself) with an elitist "I know best" attitude towards everything they do that just grates on you, making you want to punch them in the face. The internet is full of such people and because violence is nasty and you and I are simply not the kind of people to sink to that level, punching in the face metaphorically with a bit of pseudo eloquence and douchebag spirit is a much better way to go.
Have a valid reason
Before you even think about trolling someone, you have to have a valid reason and you have to be able to back that up. Commenting on a YouTube video with "fake and gay" when something isn't actually fake or gay makes you look a bigger idiot than your subject. Not a good start and if that's your only angle, I suggest you give up now. The most worthy trolling subjects are those that create an air of assumed knowledge by using buzzwords, symbolism and abstract concepts based loosely around a topic in which they are meant to be an authority. Social media gurus are a prime example of this. If you're hearing buzzwords, sensing smoke and mirrors and smelling bullshit, troll on!
Know your stuff
So you've seen through the smokescreen and found the substance free bullshit spout behind it, it's time to sink your teeth in and suck the blood out of your prey. You've got this far so you obviously know something's not right but that alone is not enough. The intelligent troll needs to have real knowledge where the subject is lacking. Knowledge is your weapon. Your weapon is your friend. Without this, your input is not valuable and you will fall to the mighty banhammer before you know it. What's more, with a bit of subject knowledge you can engage your prey in such a way that they end up trolling themselves. Oh yes, knowledge is a winner.
Dance a little
The best way to troll your victim is to engage them in a little conversational dance. Let them dig their own hole. The vacuous, vacant shitbags we're dealing with here are usually very good that that because they soon run out of vapour and find themselves in ever decreasing circles of bullshit. Ask them to back up their knowledge with quantifiable examples. A little "why?" here and there can be a good jab to the kidneys because we all know that "why?" is infinite whereas knowledge is finite. Call them out, test their knowledge against your own. If you engage with them on an intelligent level, the banhammer is less likely to fall and you will go on to win with glorious epic trolljuice gushing from every pore. If you are superior, you will break them. Of course you are. Of course you will.
Be prepared to accept defeat
Occasionally you will get pwned. It happens. There will be occasions where your mark has done their homework and is able to back up everything they say or write. When this happens you must bow down gracefully and accept defeat. Remember that you are a better breed of troll and that you are here for the greater good. If you've managed to get your victim to fill the knowledge gaps, you've achieved that much which in its self is a small win. If you happen to get pwned and carry on trolling you are not an intelligent troll. You are a dumbfuck. It's that simple.
Treat other trolls with the respect they deserve
If you get trolled and someone attempts to pwn you, you should treat them as you would expect yourself to be treated. If they are intelligent and succeed in pwning, respect them, for they are awesome. If they are a douchebag and call you "fake and gay", sink your teeth in, tear them apart and watch them die a slow and painful death. It's all about give and take.
and finally...
This document is and always will be a work in progress so feel free to troll me on Twitter or give me some suggestions on how to improve it.
This is where you'll find me:
@JimLestrange
It's all about themes, memes and custard creams.
Why troll in the first place?
Sometimes there is a need to take someone down a peg or two because their smugness or narcissistic clap trap is just too overwhelming and has no substance to back it up. Sometimes there are folks (not unlike myself) with an elitist "I know best" attitude towards everything they do that just grates on you, making you want to punch them in the face. The internet is full of such people and because violence is nasty and you and I are simply not the kind of people to sink to that level, punching in the face metaphorically with a bit of pseudo eloquence and douchebag spirit is a much better way to go.
Have a valid reason
Before you even think about trolling someone, you have to have a valid reason and you have to be able to back that up. Commenting on a YouTube video with "fake and gay" when something isn't actually fake or gay makes you look a bigger idiot than your subject. Not a good start and if that's your only angle, I suggest you give up now. The most worthy trolling subjects are those that create an air of assumed knowledge by using buzzwords, symbolism and abstract concepts based loosely around a topic in which they are meant to be an authority. Social media gurus are a prime example of this. If you're hearing buzzwords, sensing smoke and mirrors and smelling bullshit, troll on!
Know your stuff
So you've seen through the smokescreen and found the substance free bullshit spout behind it, it's time to sink your teeth in and suck the blood out of your prey. You've got this far so you obviously know something's not right but that alone is not enough. The intelligent troll needs to have real knowledge where the subject is lacking. Knowledge is your weapon. Your weapon is your friend. Without this, your input is not valuable and you will fall to the mighty banhammer before you know it. What's more, with a bit of subject knowledge you can engage your prey in such a way that they end up trolling themselves. Oh yes, knowledge is a winner.
Dance a little
The best way to troll your victim is to engage them in a little conversational dance. Let them dig their own hole. The vacuous, vacant shitbags we're dealing with here are usually very good that that because they soon run out of vapour and find themselves in ever decreasing circles of bullshit. Ask them to back up their knowledge with quantifiable examples. A little "why?" here and there can be a good jab to the kidneys because we all know that "why?" is infinite whereas knowledge is finite. Call them out, test their knowledge against your own. If you engage with them on an intelligent level, the banhammer is less likely to fall and you will go on to win with glorious epic trolljuice gushing from every pore. If you are superior, you will break them. Of course you are. Of course you will.
Be prepared to accept defeat
Occasionally you will get pwned. It happens. There will be occasions where your mark has done their homework and is able to back up everything they say or write. When this happens you must bow down gracefully and accept defeat. Remember that you are a better breed of troll and that you are here for the greater good. If you've managed to get your victim to fill the knowledge gaps, you've achieved that much which in its self is a small win. If you happen to get pwned and carry on trolling you are not an intelligent troll. You are a dumbfuck. It's that simple.
Treat other trolls with the respect they deserve
If you get trolled and someone attempts to pwn you, you should treat them as you would expect yourself to be treated. If they are intelligent and succeed in pwning, respect them, for they are awesome. If they are a douchebag and call you "fake and gay", sink your teeth in, tear them apart and watch them die a slow and painful death. It's all about give and take.
and finally...
This document is and always will be a work in progress so feel free to troll me on Twitter or give me some suggestions on how to improve it.
This is where you'll find me:
@JimLestrange
It's all about themes, memes and custard creams.